‘Round here

 



Step out the front door like a ghost
Into the fog where no one notices
The contrast of white on white.

TD Here.    I never was much of a Counting Crows fan (much = not at all), but this was the title Shannon gave this post, so here we go.  Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think you can trust a suburban white guy with dreadlocks no matter how jaunty his bowtie. [TMH:  Much of my marital contribution is teeing them up so TD can knock ’em down.]

screen-shot-2016-12-12-at-12-39-45-pm

As the year comes to a close, we’re pleased to report that Via Corona is finally rounding into shape (silly readers, segues are for kids).

As you can see below, her crumbling exterior was replaced with shiny, new HardiePlank(R) siding – “the most popular brand of siding in America” and a fresh coat of sparkly white Cool December paint to boot.

Her lower half also got a slathering of rough coat stucco.  In the fullness of time it will be Cool December as well – a color that looks for all the world like white, but Shannon assures me is not, in fact, white.  Did you also know there’s more than one kind of white?  I know, right?!  Apparently the corporate goons at Crayola sleep on a bed of lies.

A Cool December and there’s reason to believe

Maybe this grey will be whiter than the last

I can’t remember the last time I could lock my front door

Let us hope this addition is done fast

[TMH: and now you know where the title of the post came from.  Having Adam Duritz stuck in your head is some kind of torture.]

Have we mentioned the permitting process in Torrance is broken like Joe Theismann’s femur?  We have? Oh yeah, that one time.  Alrighty then, here are the first visible signs of progress on our “addition.”   First they build the foundation, then they bring the walls out, then we add the doors and you’ve got yourself a family room.

NOTE:  The City of Torrance comes out to inspect and (presumably) approve each stage.  Buckle up, this might take a while.

Welcome to our museum exhibit powder room – now with fixtures [TMH: minus the mirror and cool accessories]!  Mind you, I am forbidden from using the sink because of the potential to splash water on the precious wallpaper [TMH: it’s because the mirror isn’t up yet and TD washes his hands like an alligator taking down a water buffalo].  You might rightly ask, “then why in the name of the sweet chocolate Christ is the wallpaper near the sink?”  Oh,  you can ask.  Just don’t expect an answer that makes any logical sense.  Indeed, let this be a warning to you, potential visitor and/or harried traveler, you may freshen up but do so at your peril.

Oh, and when you’re freshening up, everyone in a nine mile radius will be able to see you through the conveniently placed bay window!  I swear this house was designed by chimps . . . or exhibitionists . . . or maybe the rarest of all – exhibitionist chimps.  [TMH: the only one who is ever going to see you is that neighbor down the street  who inexplicably stops to use the porta-potty in our driveway both coming and going while walking his dogs.  Every day.  WTF?].

We’re going to frost the glass in here and maybe add some kind of window treatment.   I will undoubtedly be restricted from touching the window treatment any way, shape or form. For now though, enjoy the nice view of our construction dumpster.

Speaking of, doesn’t window treatment sound like something that’s much cooler/more important than it really is?  Look up souffle cup . . . box tent . . . desire path . . .  then imagine my surprise/disappointment when I realized the “digital rectal” involves the use of exactly zero devices with digital readouts.  You win this round, doctor. [TMH: What is you talking about?]

As you can see, the kitchen now has a backsplash.  Hell, the wall has a backsplash.  Whereas using the powder room faucet requires the calm resolve and icy precision of a Marine sniper, in the kitchen you can be Red Adair with a firehose.

Not to get off on a rant here, but it’s not lost in my consciousness, or bank account, that we replaced a previous overabundance of tile in the kitchen with an overabundance of different tile in kitchen 2.0. [TMH: Overabundance? By my calculation TD’s shower includes no less than 136 square feet of marble tile.  It makes the kitchen look restrained by comparison].

Someday soon you’ll see we also did this with our replacement shutters which, save a barely noticeable arch at the top, are the exact same shutters as the ones now taking up permanent residence in Davy Jones’ Locker!  Notably, the new ones are black. God forbid we buy a $3 can of spray paint when there are exact replicas for sale at 21st century prices.  Imagine the horror when Architectural Digest comes to Via Corona and we have reused humpback shutters!?  This will not stand.  Good day, sir! [TMH: This from a guy wears athletic slides held together by duct tape.  Those shutters – like the complainant – were 50 years old.]

Ok, now I feel better.  Where were we?  Oh, the kitchen.

Here I’ve asked Santa Trump for an H2B visa – Temporary worker performing other services or labor of a temporary or seasonal nature.

No question I’m an interloper here, so I’ll treat it like a Cleveland Browns QB and try not to get too comfortable.  Then again, Shannon keeps asking me about a home security system.  Maybe it’s just for this room.

I’m being told this is the court-ordered safe distance I am allowed to inhabit while Shannon is doing that voodoo and that she do so well.

The stools in the photo are, to use a technical term, comfort adjacent.

The master bedroom is in a state we like to call “mostly complete-ish”.  At this point it’s just missing the art which is currently so deep in storage that we’ll be lucky if we don’t have to pay a customs tariff for re-entry into the U.S. when we finally retrieve it all #wedontdogooddealsanymore #Chinaiseatingourlunch.

It’s a bit hard to tell from the photo, but there are 12 effing pillows on our bed.  I have no idea exactly when or how this happened.  One day I had one drool-covered place to lay my head, and the next thing you know I’m bedding down with enough pillows to outfit the entire Duggar clan.  We use exactly 1/3 of them nightly.  The rest are chucked haphazardly about the room so I can trip over them in the dark on the way to the bathroom. [TMH:  the remaining pillows are so that I have options when I finally decide to smother you in your sleep].

To be honest, when we got married nearly a decade ago I had no clue how much of my life would be spent shopping for, buying, placing and discussing pillows.  Needless to say terms like “throw pillow”, “pillow fight”, and “pillow talk” bear no resemblance to visions in my head  [TMH: funny what a guy will do for health insurance].

Make no mistake, our pillow game is STRONG.  So strong, in fact that we now have custom pillows like the one Gracie the Seasonal Reindeer is resting her tiny noggin upon. [TMH: This snap?  Not staged.  The cat actually sneaks into the guest bedroom, snuggles under the covers and naps, Goldilocks and the Three Bears style.]

Shannon has also spoken a great deal about a furry pillow that I’ve yet to see . Not exactly sure when or where it will make its debut (largely because I don’t care), but rest assured it will be feted with Winfrey-level fanfare.

You get a pillow!

And You Get A Pillow!

AND YOU GET A PILLOW!

[TMH: the pillow is hairy not furry and it goes on the couch in the room that hasn’t been built yet.]

Via Corona and me

Look into the future

Yeah, we stare at the pretty vi-ew

She’s lookin’ at downtown

I don’t think so

She’s looking at Malibu

Standing on the back deck

I bought myself a train wreck

When she is finally done

I will never use her powder room

I will never use her powder room

Said Shannon won’t let me use the powder

room

 

Want more?  Go here: Via Corona.